Updates

 Happy Thanksgiving!  Can't wait for all of the FOOD and DESSERTS next week, but mostly I'm focusing on being GRATEFUL.  God has been incredibly faithful to us.  

My husband's recent echo still shows just 30-35% ejection fraction but his heart is now NORMAL size (no dilation) so that is great news.  Also, he has been able to do physical activities outside so long as he rests the next day.  To think where God has brought us in a year is incredible.  Our next step is a MUGA scan again, which will happen late December.  After that, who knows?  We are believing God for a complete healing in the next couple of months.  Yes!

I feel GREAT; honestly.  I've had a few crazy times of tachycardia this last year but nothing sustained.  My ICD battery is good for another 10 months!  I've been walking 30-60 minutes 5x a week and it helps me feel good and sleep better.  

Over the summer I was able to go on my very first Missions Trip; what an adventure.  A group of us went to an Indian Reservation to do a VBS in Harrah, Washington.  It was HOT - no air conditioning!  I had avoided this trip for many years due to my heart issues.  Now that I'm 60, I thought "it's now or never".  With the generous financial help from several people, I was able to go, even though my husband is now on disability and our income is greatly cut.  But God....!!!

My mom passed away on June 9 from kidney failure; she had been on dialysis for about 7 years and just decided she'd had enough.  I supported her decision; she knew where she was going when she died and did it without fear.  What a way to go!!  

Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner; I pray you find peace in this season and a bright hope for the New Year.  Blessings to you!

This played on the radio this morning as I was coming to work; it's the most beautiful version I've heard...

O Holy Night - Celine Dion 

LifeVest by Zoll

Tuesday was the day we waited for; it seemed like January 19 took FOREVER to get here.  Everyone we trusted was praying and I was certain that my husband's Echocardiogram would show at least 40% ejection fraction, but I really wanted 55% and told God that.  Many, many people agreed with us in prayer that this would be the case.  The 9 different medications and the rest he was getting, along with the prayer and fasting by our friends, just HAD to "work", right?  I was sooooo ready for things to be normal again; for my handsome, strong husband to get back to his job and just be healthy.  We have a life to live; things to do, people to see, places to go, etc. etc. etc.

About an hour after the echo, the advanced heart failure specialist came in to see us.  She is a pretty blonde haired lady, soft spoken and so very kind.  The ejection fraction was read by another doctor at just 25%.  Her words, "he reads low".  I didn't know what that meant so she explained that the "machine" read 41% but the doctor has the final say.  She also said that we should probably return in 6 weeks and try another test, a MUGA scan.  This test is more accurate for ejection fraction readings.  She asked my husband if he was willing to wear the "Lifevest" for 6 more weeks (he is so anxious to get rid of it) instead of going ahead with the ICD now, which he may not need after all.  The cost of the rental is very high and he was concerned about the bill we are racking up.  I told him it was his decision and not to make health decisions based on $$; do what you feel is best for you.  He decided to wait the 6 weeks out.  When we left the office I told my husband, "so, we're still in a waiting pattern".  I remember that "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength."  But waiting is so dang hard...

Just this morning God brought to mind a book that I had read over a year ago by Laura Story, "When God doesn't fix it".  I got it out and read a little; I highly recommend it to you who are struggling, like I am, with waiting.  

As far as my own dilated cardiomyopathy, I am having my ICD checkup next month.  It may be time for a new battery; it's been 10 years now.  Our medical bills are piling up and my husband is now on unpaid leave.  But, as my friend Cathi Campfield used to say, "there is always, always something to be thankful for."  I have a great job that pays well and we have insurance and an HSA account.  And my husband is actually much, much better!  He is gaining strength daily.  So we continue on, in faith, that this is just a season of our lives and we will learn some valuable things during this time of waiting.  After all, we've already seen and experienced the evidence of HIS goodness...

Elevation Worship

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCqBV2vIx8U&list=RDLCqBV2vIx8U&start_radio=1&t=0

Cardiac Sarcoidosis

 My husband has a new BFF; the red-headed girl at the lab at Mercy Hospital!  She has seen him so many times in the past 12 weeks that she immediately recognizes him.  She even stayed late one day last week because she knew we had to travel to get to her.  What a blessing!  Between Mercy and University of Cincinnati, he has had many various scans and we have met several new doctors since our original cardiologist.  He now has an advanced heart failure specialist, an electrophysiologist, and a pulmonologist.  They are all awesome doctors and we are so very thankful for being led to them.  

If I'm being honest, mornings are hard for me.  That is when my mind races to the "what-if's".  What if he doesn't get better; what if he is never able to go back to work; what if his disability is denied; what if our medical bills drown us; what if both of us die; what if our son has inherited either or both of our heart disorders?  My stress level is high and it catches up with me.  

Once I get out of bed and get my head on straight, I know that God will see us through, as He always has.  So so so many friends have reached out to us and check on us regularly.  Many of them have sent meals and finances.  Co-workers have sent funds.  Neighbors have brought over meals.  Family members have provided food and finances as well as checked on us.  The calls and texts mean so much.  We are beyond blessed with support.

2020 has brought loss to so many people; we lost a dear friend to cancer on January 9.  In a few days, there will come a very tough anniversary for her husband and kids.  Many lost jobs, health, friends, mental health strides, recovery advances, and so on.  We could dwell on the losses and we should definitely acknowledge them.  We should cry with those that cry.   But I am no longer afraid of the truth.  As I read somewhere, "Fear does not stop death; but it does stop life"   Every time we see a new doctor we want to know and understand the truth he or she can give us.  We can handle the truth!  The reason we can handle the truth is because we know that the truth sets us free.  We are free to trust God to handle anything that happens.  He has our days ordered and He cares about every single moment of our lives.  

With a high probability that my husband has cardiac sarcoidosis, he is now on 8 different medications.  We are praying for very few side effects, if any.  He is getting stronger and sleeping better and eating better.  We are so thankful for being led every step of the way by God and the wisdom He has given those who are helping us along this journey.  Tomorrow begins 2021 and so we journey on, being thankful for what God has already done for us and confident in the future.       

This is Not What We Planned

 "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."  Genesis 2:24  NIV

The first man, Adam, said this when Eve was created.  Husband and wife are to be united; I believe that.  However, the current situation that my husband and I find ourselves in is, in simple terms, ridiculous.  Let me explain...

On Sunday, Oct 12 I returned from a trip to Texas to find that my husband was short of breath, with ankles swelling, high blood pressure, and rapid heart rate.  He still had a bad cough, which he had been battling for at least 2 weeks.  Fast forward to Monday late afternoon and now he is an inpatient in the hospital.  Subsequently he had an echocardiogram, chest x-ray, and angiogram.  No blockages and no apparent causes (much bloodwork done also) for his dilemma, we waited for the diagnosis from a cardiologist.  Drum roll please.......

             DILATED CARDIOMYOPATHY, 20% EJECTION FRACTION

Are you kidding me?? No, wait, that can't be right. I'm the one living with heart failure; it's all about ME, ME, ME! My husband is a 57-year old man who eats right, goes to the gym 3x per week, gardens, landscapes, mows our 5 acres, works inside and outside maintenance and yardwork for a school district, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink anything but fruit juice and water, takes supplements for heart health, and lives squeaky clean. You must have the charts mixed up. But why is he the one laying here in the hospital now? This makes ZERO sense.

So now we wait, on God and the doctor, and more test results. We trust God to work this out for us financially as well. My husband cannot go back to work in his current condition; he can't even drive. Yesterday I was reading a book by Christine Caine called "Undaunted". One thing she said really spoke to me..."although I didn't know what would happen next; I knew it would be OK because God was with me." Oh, what a relief to know this fact of my life. When you find yourself with shocking news, just know that God has already been there and planned for how He will bring you through it. Without my own diagnosis in January, 2011, this current news about my husband might have been terrifying. But we are already armed with some information.

When the news of covid first "hit", I had to work at home from March to May. Everyone in my school district, with the exception of just a handful of people was banned from stepping foot in any of the buildings. It was a scary, frustrating, difficult time. In addition to wondering how this would play out, I just didn't like working from home. As anyone remembers, there was so much confusion. To counteract all this chaos, I would play worship music. It kept my mood elevated and drove out any fear that the enemy would try to bring to my mind. Now I know that in March I was also being prepared for a time in October. These are the two of the songs that I listened to over and over again then and am doing the same thing now.

So when you face your own battles, stay encouraged, friend, because You're gonna be OK .  God's got you in the palm of His hand....you're living in the Goodness of God. It's the best place to be!

40 Years

Forty is such a significant number in the Bible.  It typically refers to a time of "testing".  The Israelites spent 40 days spying out the land of Canaan.  Only Caleb and Joshua ended up getting to go into the Promised Land when it was finally time to go.  

Today, March 16, marks 40 years since I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  I am grateful for the "testing" that has occurred during those 40 years.  Never once did God leave me alone in the desert.  Whether I have 10, 20, or even 30 years left here on earth, I know He will guide me the rest of the way to my own Promised Land.

Healthwise, I am good.  My heart rate is back to normal and I am feeling fine.  I am back to exercising and watching my diet.  That is always a struggle for me for some reason.  Metropolol is a drug that makes you tired but with a little caffeine (notice I said a little) you can make it through the day.  Remember to get your rest and exercise.  You can do this!!!  

To Your Health,
Tari

2019

2019 – This is the year I grow up.  “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.”  I Corinthians 13:11 – New Living Translation.  Children are sometimes “punished” when they do something that the parent or other adult authority disagrees with.  The child knows he or she did something “wrong” and would most likely prefer they are allowed to discipline themselves.  But children are children; they don’t think like adults.  In a couple of years, I will be 60 years old, hardly a child.  So this year is going to be the year I “grow up”.  No longer will I “punish” myself for “bad behavior.”  Here’s my recent photo, untouched by photoshop.  Yep, I’ve got a double chin, dark circles, extra skin, etc. etc.  But I am beautiful because I am loved by a Heavenly Father who makes me “enough” and never “too much”.  After a medical emergency last weekend, I am re-evaluating everything in my life.  By God’s grace, never again will I feel inadequate, unloved, or unworthy of love.  I believe what God says about me.  For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17  For 2019, I will try to take better care of myself.  I am worth it.  Watching my salt and sugar intake and walking 30 minutes a day is my goal, but I will not beat myself up if I skip a day.  If I want a cookie, I will eat a cookie.  I will not feel obligated to say “yes” to every request made of me.  I will do my very best at my job; it may not live up to someone else’s expectations, but that is OK.  If my place of work can find someone who is smarter and younger than me to take my place, then so be it.  I will no longer worry about it.  I am no longer in competition with anyone, for any reason.  I will continue to love, serve, and grow as I am able.  God cannot be my sufficiency if I am my own source.  It’s beyond my abilities to be all that I “should” be.   "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

         

Shocked

Last evening, for the first time ever, I was shocked by my ICD.  No warning at all, really.  My family and I were eating dinner and I started to feel "shaky" inside.  I decided to go to the bedroom to lay down for a bit but before I could I heard and felt a spark and a boom.  I also thought I saw a spark before my eyes.  It was definitely the most frightening experience I've ever had.  My husband and daughter took care of calling 911 and having me transported to Christ Hospital.  I learned that my heart rate was 190 and the defibrillator fired to bring me back to a normal rate.  I was back home just 4.5 hours later.  I am very thankful for technology, my family, Christ Hospital, and God for giving me more time with my family and friends.  As we begin 2019 in just two more days, I am excited to see what the future holds.  God is good...all the time!  

On Father's Day and Always - Love is good for your heart

“Love never fails” I Corinthians 13:8

Today is Father’s Day, and so many fathers and children are separated today due to divorce.  Not just physically, but emotionally separated.  We may stand in church and sing, “You’re a good, good Father, it’s who you are…” but we are talking about God.  At the same time, we may be emotionally separated from our earthly father.  But God has called us to love.  If you are an adult or teenager who doesn’t have a relationship with your earthly father, I say gently that it’s time to reach out in love.  It’s time to swallow your pride and call or text or write and just say hello.  You don’t have to go all out, you can just say something along the lines of, “I hope you have a nice Father’s Day”.  Whether you’re physically a part of that day or not doesn’t matter.  Love never fails after all and forgiveness is key to loving someone.  You might never have a close relationship with this man, but you will release him and also set yourself free from whatever hurts he brought upon you.  It doesn’t really hurt physically but it takes courage and the ability to “put yourself out there”.  So it may hurt emotionally to make that contact but go ahead and do it.  Your simple act of love can make a difference in so many lives.

If you’re the dad, then you make the call or the text (you know all your kids have cell phones).  They may or may not respond to you, doesn’t matter.  You make the first step and remember that love never fails.  Realize they probably have a deep well of hurt and resentment - but one drop of love into that well can make a difference.  Just saying hello lets them know you thought of them today and remembered them on this day.  

"Love never fails" – as Beth Moore has written, “I used to think this verse meant that love wouldn’t fail to bring about the exact results I wanted.  But “fail” actually portrays something that drops to the ground, thereby having no effect.  So with a better grasp on the concept these days, I can make you a bold, biblical promise:  When you really love – difficulty and sacrificially – it never falls to the ground.  Never.  Not once.  Not ever.  God catches it even if no one else does.  According to His Word, we are incapable of loving in Jesus’ name and for the sake of His sacrificial legacy for nothing.  Love absolutely cannot fail".

An Ache for Heaven

“If you find yourself with a desire that no experience in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that you were made for another world.”  C.S. Lewis

As Mother's Day is fast approaching, I am thankful that my mother, though weak, is still here to celebrate.  I must say that the thought of Heaven is becoming more real to me every day.  As I watch some of the people who are closest to me preparing for that Beautiful Day, I also sense a desire to know Him more.  Not that I am in a hurry to leave Earth, but there is an excitement within me about Heaven.  

I think it is easy to say that I am excited about Heaven when I am not myself physically ill nor suffering.  But I am so aware of those around me who are "sick" with grief.  This will be the first Mother's Day without my sister-in-law and I know that her four children are hurting. It must be so hard for those of us here on Earth to visualize their loved ones in Heaven.  There is also that "ache" of loneliness when you wish you could speak with them and feel their hugs.  All I can offer is love; I am not the answer to their pain.  But I know that Jesus cares and He longs to replace that "ache" with a contentment and anticipation of the beauty of Heaven. 

Coming Clean

Well, gee.....so much for less stress in 2016....

On June 1 my sister-in-law Michele passed away at age 51 of metastatic melanoma.  Then my husband and my dad both had skin cancers removed. Then we had to put our dog to sleep. The next month began a crazy, still continuing savage attack on law enforcement and five Dallas officers were killed on July 7.  Our pastor's wife, Cathi continued her battle against Stage IV bone cancer and has had many ups and downs.  My mom's steadily declining health forced her into a skilled nursing care home and then election day came and the United States went crazy.  

I THANK GOD FOR MY WAR ROOM !!!

In everything that happens, we can rest assured that those who hold fast to Christ will safely weather the storms of life. This battle belongs to Him, not us. We are simply riding the waves and also taking authority where we can and leaving the rest to Him. The most beautiful song I heard during Michele's battle was one by Lauren Diagle, "Trust in You". God always met us right where we were. The last night that Michele spent here on earth, I was with her. When I started my car to leave the hospice unit around midnight, this was the first song I heard on the radio. I pray if you are going through a battle today, you are able to rest in His arms and trust Him to see you thru. Have a great Thanksgiving Day and know that your loved ones who have gone before you to Heaven are safe and enjoying a stress-free holiday. You try to do the same. 😃

Here are some of the words from this beautiful faith-filled song:

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wondering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior King of the fight
No matter what I face You’re by my side

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The Rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go
You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains

I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters

I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers

As I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust

I will trust in You

Strengthen Your Heart

It's New Year's Eve!  We are right on the edge of a brand new year, how exciting!  My "War Room" is finished and it is time to get serious about prayer and Bible reading.  For the first time, I sat and read this morning in the freshly painted and newly decorated bedroom which used to be a playroom.  Reading from my grandma's old KJV, I came across this verse, "Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."  Even though I am not usually a KJV reader, I really like this translation of this verse.  Just as God will strengthen our inner man, He will also strengthen our physical literal heart.  Just what I needed to hear today.  BTW, my grandma actually passed away on New Year's Eve 1988.  So this Bible holds special meaning for me today.  

Not only will God strengthen our hearts by keeping Him first, but also using common sense.  Eating better, exercising more, and less stress are all goals of mine this year.  I know that, though Him, we can "do all things".

Here's to your health and mine,

Tari

General Anesthesia for the Control Freak

What complications, if any, are there to consider when a heart patient undergoes a simple surgical procedure that requires general anesthesia?  Search the web and you won't find a simple answer.  Almost no difference between us and them (those normal people who don't have dilated cardiomyopathy).  But trying to explain that to my inner control freak is futile.

After the first of the year I need to have a minor surgery totally unrelated to my heart.  So I have to first see my PCP for a physical, and then my cardiologist for "clearance", and finally the doctor doing the surgery for one last check.  I think there's a chart somewhere floating around in cyberspace with check boxes for everyone so that no one is held responsible if something goes wrong.  They can just look at the screen and say, "Nope, I checked that box right there....see that?  She was fine when she left my office."  

Looking through the internet (never a good thing), I find that memory loss is about the only risk of general anesthesia.  I'm not sure how my family would know the difference since they are well aware that I already have this issue most days.  So they certainly won't notice any change if it does happen.

No one likes to be out of control, especially of their own body.  But there are definitely times when we must depend upon others to take care of our bodies. My precious sister-in-law just went through major cancer surgery and everything was completely out of her control.  She learned to trust others to take good care of her and they have done an excellent job.  She is having a miraculous recovery and now can once again take over most tasks.  For a strong, capable woman to be forced to lean on others for a while can't be easy.  I am so in awe of the special love and commitment I see within her family.

Isaiah 26:3 is my verse for now and always...."You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."  It's pretty silly to be concerned about general anesthesia; I know that now.  But I also know that God understands me better than anyone and He's actually the "controller", (sorry to use a gaming term, but I certainly wouldn't want to call God a freak...that would not be wise considering...) 

To your health,

Tari

A Hiking we will GO !!

It's finally FALL and I am so excited.  Next week my hubby and I will celebrate TWENTY YEARS of marriage.  Our plan is to HIKE every day in beautiful Hocking Hills, Ohio.  Now who knows if I will be able to actually accomplish this or not, that's not the point.  The point is that I think I can do it.  I have the confidence and that's half the battle when you have heart disease, right?  

My mother had a heart attack and double bypass last month and even though it was scary, I think it was less so since I did understand much of what the doctors explained to us about her heart.  Her heart problems were very different than mine; she had major blockage in her arteries.  

My cardiologist was happy with my current state of health and I don't have to see him again until next summer!  On July 15, 2016 I will have an echocardiogram to check on my ejection fraction.  Until then, I plan to continue taking my medicines, walking, and just living as happy and free as possible.

Blessed to be ALIVE and made it to my 20th Wedding Anniversay - Stay Healthy and Happy,

Tari

Humidity

Humidity....yuck!  Anyone else feeling it?  This is the first summer since my device insertion that I have really felt the thickness of the air.  Mercifully, we have had about 2 weeks of rain and it seems to have washed that away.  Much easier to breathe now.  

Last month I saw my electrophysiologist for a check-up; he is a wonderful man.  It seems my heart rate is increasing more frequently than before and the technician was concerned.  She suggested increasing my medication.  I asked that NOT be done as I already experience some fatigue due to the meds.  My awesome doctor simply adjusted my device to allow more of a time lapse in the irregular heart beat before the device will "fire".  He said it would be unnecessary treatment for the device to fire simply due to this.  That is why I love this man; he is so practical and helpful.  I wish everyone had a doctor like him.

Later this month I go back to my cardiologist for a check-up.  Probably will schedule an echo for late this year I'll bet.  I think he will be pleased with my activity level; still walking and working out.  Besides working a full time job, I now have my two beautiful grandchildren living nearby so I stay busy.  

Here's to YOUR health!  Have a beautiful Fourth of July!

Amazing

On Wednesday, September 17, 2014,  I had an echocardiogram at 12:30 p.m.  I truly did not know what to expect the results to be as I did not feel any differently than I had before and was doing the normal things I do.  I try to exercise a few times per week and eat well, but often fail.  My breathing is normal and I usually feel pretty good.  Once in a great while I feel short winded and tired.  But most of the time I feel fine.  So I truly didn't know if the results would be "good" or "bad".  At any rate, I was not expecting a big difference since my last echo in April, when the ejection fraction was around 20%.  As a matter of fact, a week or so ago I heard a little voice in my head saying that it would  be worse.  I started to imagine what the doctor would say were my options and what I would say.  You know how you can just go through the whole scenario in your head?  Crazy, huh?  Well, a day or so later I told myself to "shut up" and I also told God that I would trust HIM and not myself.  No matter what, I was determined to live joyfully and make the most of whatever days He chooses to give me.

On Thursday afternoon I was driving into a Costco parking lot in Columbus, Ohio when my cell phone rang.  It was my cardiologist office and they wanted me to know that my results had been read and that my medicines were not changing.  I asked what was the ejection fraction and she said it was 40-45% !!!!  What?!!!  I was over the moon!  After I finished thanking God, I called my husband, crying, with the good news.  We shared such a happy moment together.  I know that many people don't get good news when the doctor calls and I don't know why sometimes things go well and other times they don't.  It certainly has little to do with US and everything to do with HIM.  God is in control of every day and every minute.  I know that and am so thankful for that.  

To Your Health and to His will,
Tari

We Shall See...

The time has almost come for my next echocardiogram.  Then "we shall see" if there is any improvement in my ejection fraction.  I am both excited and a little nervous.  It won't happen until September when all of the summer fun and activities and traveling are over, and hopefully my job won't be quite so hectic since school will have started in August.  

On the PLUS side, I feel awesome.  I have lost 20 of the 40# I was supposed to lose and and my cardiologist is thrilled.  On the minus side, the CPAP machine drives me bonkers and I usually end up ripping it off my face after a few hours.  It seems "they" (whoever they are) could make something comfortable and quiet, and actually live up to their advertisements.  More of us sleep apnea patients would be using their products then and not just watching them collect dust on our nightstands.

I am still on all of the same medications and have had no ill effects except some foot cramping, probably from the Lipitor.  But that seems a very small "price to pay" for what truly could be a major obstacle in my life.  I feel great and can walk and play and do anything I want to do.  I work full time and am truly blessed to have a desk job that does not stress me out and some really great people to work with.  The future is bright and my family is growing.  My daughter and her husband are expecting a second baby this summer!  Little Madeline will join her big sister Marli and my heart is so full of good things. Speaking of which, last weekend my little guy and I went to Kings Island amusement park.  We are on the same level when it comes to rides; he doesn't like the scary ones either so we are perfectly content to ride the tame ones.  Then we sat and watched the fountains turn colors after dark until the fireworks started.  Truly, I thought my heart would BURST (figuratively speaking, of course) as we sat there together.  I thought, "God, I have had such an incredible, satisfying life. Thank YOU so much!"  

On that note, this morning I heard a song, "Never Alone" sung by Matt Redman.  Tears filled my eyes as I realized the words were so true for me....."never once did we ever walk alone; never once did you leave us on our own.  You are faithful, God You are faithful."  I would encourage you to find that song and listen to it.

A good friend is having chemo today, just her 2nd treatment.  She has a super good attitude.  We talked about how these bodies do wear out, the curse of this life.  But she told me that she is ready to let God use this experience however He sees fit.  She is ready to "walk this thing out" for His Glory.  I am so proud of her.  I sent her a card today and wanted to put in a "healing" verse.  When I looked them all up, I was reminded of her telling me that she is no longer a "name it, claim it" gal.  I agree with her.  Sometimes sickness happens and we do just simply have to "walk it out".  So instead of one of those verses, I sent her this one:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you."

Isaiah 43:2

Notice it doesn't say "IF you pass through the waters..."  It says "WHEN..."  (Yes, I got that from Beth Moore; I'm not that smart...haha)  In this life, we WILL have trouble, that's pretty certain.  But God is always with us.  And yes, "We shall See....what GOD will do through our trials and the great things He will use them for.  Be encouraged as you too "walk this thing out".

What doesn't kill you makes you....

Most of you have seen the You Tube video of Megan Kowalewski lip-syncing "Stronger" 

I truly love this video and this song.  Through my lifetime I have recognized her spirit in other people and thought about what going through a struggle can "make you" besides "stronger".  I think of my pastor's wife, who just finished a major breast cancer battle.  For her, I think the last word of the song might be "free".  She just returned from a missionary trip to the Philippines with her husband; something she could only have dreamed of last year.  

Then there is my best friend, Kim who went through widowhood at a young age, and then her own cancer battle less than 2 years ago.  I think the last word of the song for her might be "confident".  

I have a good friend from years ago who has gone through a divorce and betrayal from those who should have treated her better....her last word might be "wiser".  

Just this weekend I heard about a man I'll call "JC" who is struggling with cardiomyopathy and was given 4-5 years to live (he is in year 5 now).  He has 5 children and coaches their teams and spends as much time as possible with them.  The last word of the song for him could be "committed".  I even heard a sweet story about how his ex-wife has given him custody of their teen son so they could spend his final years together.  Having been a DivorceCare facilitator for many years, I know that it takes a real act of faith and compassion to do something like that; it is a rare trait.  Perhaps the mother's last word is "loving".  

Today I read the obituary of my best friend from junior high.  I'm ashamed to admit that I lost track of her and have not spoken to her in over 20 years.  Life goes by so quickly; it's over in an instant.  My prayer is that you let whatever you are going through "make you" something that is beautiful.

To your health,
Tari

Don't Quit Too Soon!

As I write this today, I am sore - but it's a "good" sore.  My legs and my back and even my neck all hurt, but just a little.  I spent the weekend locked away at a hotel with an indoor water park, enjoying my son, daughter, and grand baby.  We had a great time.  My almost 9-year-old son begged for someone to go down the "BIG" slides with him.  Now these are long tube slides that actually leave the building and then weave back in.  Though I have been to this water park in the past, I have NEVER ventured onto them.  I stick with the kiddie pool, the lazy river, and occasionally the smaller slides.  I thought my son was satisfied with having his big sister ride these with him. She wanted to, she did, and everyone was happy.  My daughter liked being able to ride with her little brother, and I liked playing in the water with my beautiful little granddaughter.  I had no desire to ride the big slides because, other than plain fear, I had this little nagging voice telling me, "you have a heart condition; read the sign - it clearly says that anyone with a heart condition should not ride this..."  OK, so I had an "out".  But my son wouldn't stop asking.  He wanted so badly for me to experience the rush that he was enjoying.  I told my daughter, "No, I can't ride that."  "I didn't even go tubing this summer when we went to Texas.  The tow ropes would have pulled on my pacemaker incision."  I thought this would satisfy everyone.  But, oh no, of course not.  My son reminded me that I DID, in fact, go tubing with him, and liked it very much. Darn, how did I forget that?  So finally I relented and, against my better judgement, told him I would go with him.  Just walking to the top was several stories up and I truly didn't know if I would even make the climb.  But thankfully there were landings and I made it without too much heavy breathing.  The very first ride was, I admit, scary.  But the pure joy on my son's face was worth it.  When we made the long climb back up for another ride, he wanted me to try one of the other slides.  One of them was a dark tunnel and one was translucent.  I said I wanted to take the one that had light coming in.  He assured me I was on that one, and he took the dark one.  Little did I know that the tubes actually cross each other outside the building and I was, in fact, in the one that sends you hurling through the darkness.  Ha ha - very funny joke, son.  He was so pleased with himself. After that, it was "on" as we raced down the slides a few more times.  So much fun and I would have missed it all.

When I made the decision to go ahead and try to walk up the stairs, and slide down the first time, I was listening to another voice.  Not the nagging one that said, "you can't do that...you're a heart patient".  I was listening to a mother's heart wanting to please her son.  But I learned something yesterday from that little guy.  Don't quit too soon.  There will be plenty of time to sit on the sidelines when you truly don't have the strength and energy to run and play.  Until then, go and and "take the plunge".  It's worth it.

To your health,
Tari

Dreams and Visions

Yes, I know the Bible talks about dreams and visions given to "old men, young men, etc.".  What I am speaking of here is when God gives YOU something personal just for your life, not for anyone else.  It happened to me over 15 years ago.  Living in a rental apartment, having lost my house in a very ugly, messy divorce (is there any other kind?) and wondering just who loved me, who was my friend and who wasn't, what my future would look like, etc. etc.  I was at a very low point in my life.  Though it was hard to believe it, I felt like God was showing me my future.  It was a vision of a little modest home in a neighborhood, with a decent sized kitchen (nothing like the apartment), a back door, and a great window to see outside in the yard (again, not like an apartment).  My child(ren) could come in from outside playing in their yard and perhaps bring their friends in for Kool-Aid.  You know, just like the commercials...hahaha  It was very similar to the home I had grown up in as a child.  Honestly, I thought to myself, "by the time we get out a rental, my child will be grown....and besides I see no way I will ever be able to own a home again.  For goodness sake, my child  right now can't even safely ride her bike in the parking lot and I worry about the weirdos around here!  I truly didn't see why God was giving me this "dream" of the future but I held onto it.  I kept that "vision" in the back of my mind for many years.  Little did I know how God would fulfill it.  

Just this morning I was standing at my kitchen counter making my mom's coleslaw recipe and looked out through the row of windows and back door(s), at the beautiful yard and God brought that "vision" back to my mind.  He definitely has fulfilled the dream He gave me.  A new child now plays in that yard and comes in hot and thirsty for Kool-Aid.  Did I think that along the way to this new life I would end up with dilated cardiomyopathy?  Of course not.  I hadn't even heard of it 15 years ago.  But do I thank God for the "valleys and the mountains and the things He brought me through"?  You bet I do!  You take the "good" with the "bad" and you trust God every day because He always has your best in mind.  Hold onto your dreams and visions.  God has it all under control.

Recap and a little May miracle

Every Christian has a “Kingdom Assignment”.  This is mine.  I was asked to share this story with my church family on Mother’s Day this year:

The Kingdom Assignment I am currently dealing with is a physical disease.  In January 2011 I was diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy.  This means that my heart muscle is weak and enlarged.  It does not have enough strength to pump blood to the rest of my body.  One of the tests done measured my “ejection fraction”, which should typically be 55-70%.  Mine was 10-15%.  So I was in heart failure.  I was immediately started on several medications which alleviated all of my symptoms.  I was sad and angry to be told that I would be on these medications for the rest of my life.  I did research on-line and the more I learned, the more discouraged I became.  So many people with this disease seemed to no longer be able to work and were not getting any better.  I thought, surely this isn’t the end of my life.  I have a young son; I have people I need to talk to about You, God, and also people I haven’t even met yet.  But during my tests I have met some wonderful people at hospitals and doctor’s offices and have also gained a sense of empathy for senior citizens who I watch struggle just to get into their appointments.

Many prayers were said for me and sometime in July two beautiful ladies here at Eastgate Community Church prayed for my healing again.  I was to meet with an electro physiologist in August and I convinced him to do yet another echocardiogram because I felt that my heart was healed and I did not need a pacemaker/defibrillator.  However, the test showed absolutely no improvement.  So on Sept. 2, 2011 I had the device installed.  It was about 8 weeks before I was completely pain free and felt back to normal.  During the recovery, some days I questioned the decision and again was angry that my life was being disrupted.  But in December I started this blog because I wanted to encourage newly diagnosed people, especially women, because I had only read negative reports when I did my research.  Only God knows who this blog may reach with encouragement and hope.  

Fast track to Friday morning May 3rd - I could not sleep and was feeling poorly.  My husband was praying for me because I had been in Stage 3 heart failure for about 10 days.  My cardiologist has increased my medications on Tuesday and said if that did not help I would need to see another heart failure specialist.  Too much caffeine that day added to my problems falling asleep but I felt different than ever before.  I took 2 aspirin because I thought perhaps I was having a heart attack.  My left foot became numb and then the numbness traveled up my left side and even my throat felt tight.  My chest felt very heavy and I felt like I would probably die.  By now it was close to 2 a.m. and my husband and I began praying again.  I knew that there were still things I needed to do – God had already spoken to me about having a heart to heart talk about Him this summer with someone very close to me.  I reminded God that this plan was already posted on my refrigerator door.  I also reminded him that I still had a little boy at home that needed his mother.  Then I took authority over the disease and quoted Psalm 118:17 - “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord”  My husband was agreeing with me the whole time.  I prayed in the Sprit; I pleaded the blood of Christ, and prayed for myself like I never had before.  About 3 a.m. I felt the peace of God pass over me and told my husband to go to sleep and I went to the living room and read Psalms 1-28.  By 4 a.m. I felt completely fine and dog tired.  I slept like a baby and have been feeling good ever since.  I know that wisdom says we should have called 911, but my grandbaby was coming that weekend and I didn’t want to be in the hospital and miss her.  More importantly though, and my husband and I talked about this later, we knew it was a desperate situation and we just didn’t have time for 911.  We needed help right then!  Only God is able to help you in your desperate moments.  In my heart I know that He was there for me and He will continue to bring me through this Kingdom Assignment and use it for His glory.